Thank you for reading the newest edition of The Impact Report! Feel free to follow me on Twitter @SclSplx_CalB. Follow the site @SocialSuplex and subscribe to Social Suplex Podcast Network wherever you download podcasts! On this edition of Impact, we have Johnny Impact versus Jimmy Jacobs plus Fenix versus Sami Callihan, LAX versus The OGz in a Streetfight, the debut of The Smoke Show with Scarlett Bordeaux, and a message from Impact World Champion Austin Aries and his presumed new ally, Killer Kross! Brace for Impact, every Thursday at 8 PM ET on Pop TV!
The show begins with a short graphic tribute to the late Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart. After a recap of last weeks show, we go to The Rebel Entertainment Complex in Toronto. Up first is Fenix versus Sami Callihan, who is accompanied by The Crist Brothers!
Fenix vs Sami Callihan
Even after all the horror stories I’ve heard about Sami Callihan, I can’t help but admire his heel work. I will say, however, oVe’s new music sucks. Dave Crist and Sami Callihan both look fine with shaved heads too. I’m curious what Jake looks like without his blonde locks. Sami spent all of Fenix’s entrance jaw-jacking with someone from the front row. Sami Callihan looks like even more of a madman than he did before he lost his luscious and beautiful flowing hair. Sami Callihan is frickin’ gross. At one point on the outside Sami spat on his hand and let the spit fall back into his mouth. It’s even grosser on camera than in description.
At various points in this match, Sami Callihan used The Crist Brothers outside interference to get the advantage on his luchador competitor, which ultimately brought an “O-hio-sucks!” chant from this Toronto crowd. My good pal Eddy wasn’t pleased with the canucks for that one. His words, not mine. There are a few parts in this match where the pace is slowed down, and probably the best slowing of this match came when Sami pushed Fenix from the top rope to the top of the ramp on the outside of the ring. This led to Sami setting up for a powerbomb, Fenix countering, Callihan countering the counter, then Fenix landing a back handspring into an ace crusher on the ramp. Truly amazing athleticism. Not too long after Fenix ran from the outside, back into the ring and landed ANOTHER twisted ace crusher on the inside of the ring for a near fall! “THIS IS AWESOME!” chant from the Impact faithful in Toronto and a commercial break.
Back to the action and we see the competitors exchanging punches in the center. Fenix landed from the top rope right into a big boot from The Death Machine. Not long after, Sami puts Fenix in a Boston crab, then transitions into a crossface which is nearly good for submission but Fenix uses his fighting spirit to crawl his leg to the bottom rope. Up to the top rope for Sami Callihan who is prone, Fenix jumps into the ring and lands a hurricanrana for a two count. Toronto loves Fenix, and oh my GOD Sami Callihan put his thumbs in both eyes of Fenix and spit on the official. That’s going to be fine, I’m sure. Fenix landed an amazing reverse 619 of sorts for a near fall. Fenix then goes to the top rope again, but The Crist Brothers hold onto his ankles, which causes Fenix’s brother Pentagon Junior to intervene on his behalf! The finish comes when Fenix lands a Cradled Muscle Buster of sorts for the pin and the win. This was a solid contest and very much worthy of a full watch for those that are reading without watching the program. After the match, we got a program bump from the commentary team and a video package for LAX vs. The OGz. Watch these video packages, they are truly amazing work!
Winner: Fenix
Back from the break and we get BREAKING news that Fenix is going to face Brian Cage for the Impact X Division Championship in two weeks on a special broadcast of Impact called Redefined! Get frickin’ HYPED. Fenix puts himself over and calls himself a true animal, and Brian Cage shows up and simply raises his title. GWN Moment of the Week. This was pure chaos. 2009 Impact. World Elite, Main Event Mafia and The TNA Frontline brawling all around the Impact Zone. It felt like a very Nitro style ending of the show. Back from another break and we get another interview hosted by Alicia “NOT A DAMN FIVE!” Atout featuring Allie & Kiera Hogan. Allie says this is about more than the title, and that she will not be distracted. Kiera promises that she has Allie’s back. Allie says no one will go into a casket by the hand of Su Yung, because Su will come to an end at her hand. She says the match is for Madison, for Rosemary, and for her soul. She made a promise, and she intends to keep it. Up next we’ve got Jimmy Jacobs versus Johnny Impact!
Johnny Impact vs Jimmy Jacobs
Before the match began, Jimmy Jacobs cut a solid promo which established his intensity. Not shocking if you’ve seen Jimmy Jacobs before. As I typed that last sentence Jimmy’s hevvy, Kongo Kong attacked Johnny! Son of a bitch! Kong threw Johnny into the ring, and Jimmy went right into a cover but Johnny kicked out at two! Johnny managed to channel some fighting spirit after taking a slap in the face from the Zombie Princess. The match is almost immediately thrown out afterward when Kongo Kong interfered and assaulted Johnny Impact again! After the official calls for the DQ, he runs off, and then the heels grabbed the steel steps setting up for disaster again, three months later! Kong sets up for a powerbomb but Johnny counters and sets up for a DDT but Kong counters and throws Johnny back in the ring!
Impact springboards from the inside to the outside, and lands a DDT on the steps which caused Kongo Kong to fall off the ramp. Johnny corners Jimmy, but Jimmy tries to run away and fails! Jimmy ran right into the ring steps! Johnny landed a strong side kick to the head of the Zombie Princess. Johnny then grabs the steel steps and runs them into the face of Jimmy Jacobs! R.I.P he just killed the club! “An eye for an eye, Jimmy.” – Johnny Impact
Winner: Johnny Impact by Disqualification
The Smoke Show with Scarlett Bordeaux
Back from the break and we see KM saying he’s gonna get lucky tonight. We then cut to Fallah Bahh coming from across the other end of the hall, saying “Bahh.” and carrying champagne. The two tag partners run into each other and have a small verbal kerfuffle about their dates tonight. I love that people can interpret Fallah’s words when all he says is “Bahh.” And “No, no, no.” He truly is the Groot of Impact Wrestling. Some wires clearly got crossed here, however, and KM steals the champagne from his tag team partner. Scarlett greets the pair with a simple “Hi boys.”
KM mispronounced champagne. Scarlett spits the champagne in KM’s face and says “Moet is for side chicks. I only drink rose’” Scarlett then welcomes us to The Smoke Show! Pure cheesiness ensued, with KM and Bahh arguing only for Scarlett to jump in and say to try things Bahh’s way. KM then says he wouldn’t date Scarlett for all the gold in China. Scarlett places a hand to the lips of KM which causes him to shut up, she then makes a kissy face at KM, which he reciprocates in the most comical way possible. The segment ends with Fallah Bahh simply saying “Bahh” then being slapped by Scarlett Bordeaux who says, “That’s disgusting!”
Austin Aries & Killer Kross Speak Out
Now onto the serious stuff! Impact World Champion Austin Aries comes to the ring, of course with his championship belt around his waist but no Killer Kross to be seen, at least so far. Austin Aries says that he won’t tell us why Killer Kross did, what he did because unlike a lot of wrestlers, Killer Kross can speak for himself. Aries introduces Kross as his insurance policy. Killer Kross is looking fly if I say so myself.
Killer Kross says he is the new beginning. Kross says that with a new beginning, things change, and some people fear change. Those are the people that need to be hurt, according to Kross. Wrestling is the hurt business, and the only guy that can comprehend that is A Double. Kross says they’re different, but they thrive on change and they will SHOVE IT down your throat. No matter where time is told, everyone pays the toll. Aries says when you cross the champ, you get crossed out. His words, not mine. Austin says he’s the greatest man that ever lived, but no matter how great he is, he can only change so much. Austin says now not only is he unbeatable, he is now unstoppable. Austin then pulls his best Clubber Lang and says if Eddie knew how to swing his stick as well as he claimed, his wife wouldn’t have left him and slid in the champ’s DMs. He invites others to step to the champ and get crossed out.
As the top heels are leaving, Eddie comes to the ring, kendo stick in hand. Kross takes FIVE different body shots with a kendo stick and barely registers the first four, but the fifth is enough to set him up for an ace crusher from our favorite lunatic, Eddie Edwards. Eddie grabs his stick but turns his back, but Aries doesn’t capitalize and tries to talk his way out, but this was a ruse to get Eddie grabbed by Killer Kross who puts Eddie Edwards in the Kross Jacket Choke, which passes Eddie Edwards out less than a minute later. My friends, I think we may have to live with Impact World Champion Austin Aries for a long time coming. During the break, Eddie argued to himself about what just happened to him, until his wife Alisha comes to check on him. He attempts to hug his wife but she rebuffs him. Up next we’ve got Eli Drake versus Joe Hendry, hold onto your butt Clive!
Eli Drake vs Joe Hendry
Eli Drake came to the ring with Trevor Lee and Caleb Konley backing him up. We then get a music video from The Prestigious One Joe Hendry who has been known to do these pop song parodies from time to time, it’s charming stuff and this is no exception. After about two minutes of that charm, Joe Hendry comes to the ring with Katarina & Grado backing him. Joe is super over with The Rebel Entertainment Complex, for those wondering, but so is his opponent, E-LI-DRAKE.
This match was fine, and in what was the first Joe Hendry match I’ve ever seen in full, I was very impressed by what he had to offer. Eli Drake is no slouch either, which has been long established. The finish came when Trevor Lee jumped up on the apron on one side of the ring, Grado jumped up on the other side, Eli Drake managed to escape Joe Hendry’s clutches thanks to Grado’s inadvertent distraction, Eli ran Joe into Grado and rolled Joe up for the pin and the win. Joe Hendry is very visibly upset by the outcome of this match, but guess what? I’m upset too, I’m upset that Joe Hendry, that scum bag, is most likely having an affair with his best friends significant other! Katarina is also upset about the outcome of the previous match. Grado finally crawls back into the ring, and Katarina is VERY upset with Grado. The three leave ringside and Joe finally embraces Grado, although he is still visibly upset.
Winner: Eli Drake
After the break we see Matt Sydal sitting in child’s pose by the beach, reliving his last three losses in his head. Something touches Matt’s third eye which triggers sitar music and the segment promptly ends. We get a preview for Uncivil War presented by Impact Wrestling & NGW this Sunday on Twitch at 4 PM ET. After that we see Sami Callihan blaming all his shortcomings on Pentagon Junior. Sami challenges Pentagon Junior to a Mexican Death Match. How can that be sanctioned in The Great White North?! All jokes aside, that has me SUPER hyped for next weeks episode of #IMPACTonPop. Also next week we will hear X Division Champion Cage speak for the first time!
Su Yung vs Allie (Non-Title Match)
Before I review this match I’d like to say that despite how good Allie is, and she is very good, but her music is TRASH. There’s truly not a lot going on here. Standard affair with Allie and Su Yung here. Blown spots on occasion but nothing that is ruining the match. At one point Allie stares at the Undead Bridesmaids which allows Su Yung to get the advantage. Cocaine Callis nailed a Swedish Dicks reference at one point which POPped me if you will. Late in the contest, Allie got a near fall with a Senton, then she later nailed a solid yet stiff looking dropkick to the back in the corner. Kiera Hogan neutralized most of the bridesmaids, but not all of them. Allie gets distracted by The Undead Maid of Honor, which allows Su Yung to set up her finisher, but Allie counters with a lung blower. Allie then sets up for a Code Breaker but Tessa Blanchard interferes causing this contest to end in a disqualification! Tessa sets up for her Hammerlock DDT, but Su Yung grabs Tessa with the Mandible Claw which allows Allie to escape, land a SUPERKICK on Tessa Blanchard, then a Code Breaker on Knockouts Champion Su Yung! It’s still amazing having seen the Allie character grow from day one from a screeching assistant to an outstanding role model and athlete.
Winner: Allie by Disqualification
After the break we see LAX taking to the street and it is nearly time for our main event of the evening. They’ll have about eight minutes here, let’s see what they do with it!
LAX vs The OGz (Non-Title Street Fight)
We cut to the mean streets of The Six, and what interests me the most is the background characters of all creeds and colors. The bosses are staying back, allowing for Homicide, Hernandez, Ortiz, and Santana to do all the heavy lifting for this street fight. During the fight, King sends in henchmen, which isn’t what was agreed to, so Konnan reciprocates. Homicide tries to STAB Santana but fails. Later Ortiz neutralizes Hernandez with a broom. King then throws a slapjack to Homicide, but Santana retrieves it and nails Homicide in the face! Hernandez powered back up and hit Santana with a powerbomb. He then choked out Ortiz with a bullrope, is given a very sharp object which he nearly uses on Ortiz, but Santana saves his tag partner just in time with a slapjack. LAX stands tall over their fallen foes, with THEIR rightfully won Impact Tag Team Championships in hand and they channel their inner Revival with a clink. Santana declares that it’s over.
King is quick to interrupt and say it’s ain’t over. King begs for The OGz to get up, all the while insisting that it ain’t over. King begs for Konnan to give LAX the word to take him out. King says Konnan has lost his edge, King was the one to get LAX the titles back, not Konnan. Fifteen years ago, Konnan would’ve had his head split up, but not anymore because he is an old bitch and he needs to be taken out. King yells his heart out, he spits on Konnan’s soul, and family. King gets on his knees and begs the old bastard (his words, not mine) to do it! Konnan replies, “With pleasure, you motherfucker.” As he hits King with the slapjack and we cut to the Impact Wrestling 2018 graphic. It appears the reign of King has come to a bloody end.
Thank you all for reading this edition of The Impact Report, and God bless.
