Hello and welcome to my second ever Impact Report! Tonight is big, we’ve got a face to face in the ring with challenger Alberto El Patron and Impact World Champion Austin Aries, along with Kongo Kong versus Abyss in Monster’s Ball, and we also get to find out which briefcase the likes of EC3, Eli Drake, Moose, and Petey Williams ended up with!

Tonight’s show starts off with all four of the aforementioned athletes coming to the arena, and Josh reminds us that at the end of the night one of these four men will be fired. We’re given a recap of the Feast or Fired match from last week because we’re all stupid and can’t remember things from last week of course. After the intro, we are brought to the Impact Zone with the melodious sounds of Alberto El Patron’s theme song, and the show is getting started off HOT!

Alberto is wasting no time and says that most men in suits aren’t ready to fight but Alberto reminds us that he indeed isn’t most men. Alberto goes on to say that he’s proud of the fact that Impact has a real champion in Austin Aries. Alberto says the greatest man that ever lived is not Austin Aries but rather is Alberto himself, but of course, you already knew that. A Double doesn’t take long to answer the call of his challenger as the belt collector has just entered the Impact Zone with all three championships he was holding at the time of the recording.

Austin poses while sitting on the top rope and receives very sarcastic applause from Alberto. Austin tells El Patron to knock off the clapping. Austin puts over that while he and Alberto come from different worlds, they have a lot of similarities. They both love pro wrestling, hate being disrespected, both have won world titles and have competed at the highest level. Austin goes on to say that while he indeed is the greatest man that ever lived, he is also the truth. Austin says he is the truth in a world full of liars, and then goes onto say that he sees Alberto El Patron as being disingenuous.

Austin tells Alberto that they can cut the bull crap and if Alberto wants a shot at A Double, to say it. Alberto tells Austin to get off the ropes and come face to face with Alberto, as was advertised. Alberto says while Austin is a good champion, that even Austin knows he cannot be considered a real champion until he beats Alberto. Austin says they both have chips on their shoulder, but when Austin steps on his chip, he’s going to dwarf Alberto. Alberto then tells Austin to adore every remaining moment he has with that title because at Redemption on April 22nd he is going to lose to the Pride of Mexico. Alberto then says he’s leaving, and he wants Austin’s music played. Austin cuts off his own music after about ten seconds, and requests that Alberto’s music is played because Alberto won’t be hearing his music played last at Redemption. Very interesting segment and quite frankly much better than what we got last week from these two.

Back from commercial and Sonjay & Josh are on the green screen. Josh reminds us that he is the Impact Grand Champion, and he’s even getting his nameplate engraved as they speak. We are told that tonight Impact X Division Champion Matt Sydal will face Rohit Raju of the Desi Hit Squad, and Josh Mathews will be seconding Sydal along with his Impact Grand Champion. Also on tap is Allie defending the Impact Knockouts Championship against Sienna.

Trevor Lee w/Caleb Konley versus Fallah Bahh

During the entrances, Trevor Lee & Caleb Konley seem to have mentally recovered from Feast or Fired fairly well and are in high spirits. Someone in even higher spirits is the ever-upbeat Fallah Bahh, who manages to “get” everyone watching this telecast of Impact with the “circle” formed by the fingers on his left hand laying below his waistline. Apparently, someone in this company has scoped facebook in the past four months which is nice to know. HOWEVER, apparently, Sonjay Dutt did not get the memo because Josh had to explain the circle game to him during Bahh’s entrance.

Trevor tries to get the jump on Fallah when he’s distracted by Konley, but Bahh turns around in time stopping Trevor dead in his tracks. Bahh does his head slap which triggers repeated “BAHH!” chants from the crowd which irks Trevor who gets a big shove in the corner for his trouble. Trevor falls out of the ring but is helped back in by Konley. Trevor goes to argue with the ref which distracts Bahh, and then Trevor charges Bahh with uppercuts and a headlock. Trevor runs the ropes but gets knocked down by Bahh. Bahh picks up Trevor for a Samoan Drop but Konley gets on the apron distracting Bahh. Bahh gets kicked out of the ring by Trevor, and then thrown into the ring steps by Konley.

Bahh gets back in the ring on the count of five, but Trevor turns around to start putting the boots and fists to Bahh and goes for a cover, but only gets a two count. Trevor starts kicking and slapping and striking Bahh, and even sunset flips over Bahh trying to go for the pin, but Bahh uses his excess weight to land straight on Trevor. Bahh builds up a head of steam and charges the opposite corner, but Konley pulls Trevor out. For his troubles, Konley is pulled into the ring with Lee, and Bahh steamrolls both members of Cult of Lee. Bahh then lands the Samoan Drop and covers Trevor near the ropes, but of course, Trevor puts his right foot on the bottom rope before the three count. Bahh goes to the top rope for the Vader bomb but Trevor gets up and tries to German suplex Bahh, and bumped off by Bahh’s rear. Trevor then distracts the ref long enough for Konley to whiff on an uppercut to Bahh and Trevor manages to roll Bahh up from the second rope with a schoolboy and gets the three count and the win.

Winner: Trevor Lee by pinfall

After the match, Trevor Lee & Caleb Konley celebrate on the ramp, while Fallah Bahh seems upset that he lost via nefarious means once again.

We then cut to a camera following the wife of Eddie Edwards, Alisha, from the outside of a hotel through a lobby, and to her hotel room. The camera has an oVe logo over the film oddly enough, then we are shown some black boots and we hear the voice of Sami Callihan telling a hotel employee on the floor that he locked himself out of his room, which he claims is Room 317, where Alisha Edwards is staying. All the while this is going on at an undisclosed location, we are shown McKenzie Mitchell grabbing Eddie Edwards and telling him to watch what is going on.

After the commercial, we are told that Eddie Edwards has left the Impact Zone and is headed to the hotel his wife is staying at. Then we are shown McKenzie Mitchell interviewing Petey Williams. Petey mentions that he has won briefcases in Feast or Fired before. Petey claims he doesn’t care what’s in this briefcase, he mentions that he’s been fired before and that no matter what he will always end up here. Petey goes on to say that he will be the man, the move, the muscle, the Canadian Destroyer.

Matt Sydal © w/Josh Mathews versus Rohit Raju for the Impact X Division Championship

Matt Sydal comes to the ring with his spiritual advisor Josh Mathews while wearing the mask that represents his spirit animal. Unrelated to this contest, but every single referee on this broadcast looks like they’re in high school. The match starts with a lock up that goes into the corner, but Matt begs off and throws up a peace sign. These two engage in chain wrestling for a bit but Matt has the advantage the entire time. Matt then moves out of chain wrestling and whips Rohit into the ropes and this is where things start going south for the incumbent X Division Champion., however after an enziguiri, Matt regains the advantage and starts delivering vicious leg kicks to his challenger in the corner and hits a sliding knee then goes for a cover but only gets a two count.

Back in the corner and Rohit starts to regain the advantage, but Matt lands a drop toe hold in the middle of the ring and locks in a variation of the last chancery on his challenger for a solid minute, but Rohit eventually gets out and lands a neck breaker which is good for a two count. Back from the commercial and Sydal counters into a gut strike and then lands a standing moonsault for a two count. Rohit starts feeding off the energy of the crowd and even withstands more leg kicks from his opponent. Rohit lands three consecutive kicks to the head of Matt and then goes for a cover but only gets a two count. Matt misses a big swinging kick and Rohit rolls up Matt but that’s only good for two. Rohit then lands an elbow and a knee to the head but again only gets a two count out of it. Rohit goes for a neck breaker but Matt counters and lands the high kick to the top of the head of Rohit for a near fall. Later these two start battling in the middle of the ring trading strikes, and Matt lands a sliding German suplex for another near fall. Matt goes to the top to end the contest, but Rohit counters for a second. Matt then lands a sunset flip powerbomb which drops his challenger in the middle of the ring and Matt goes back to the top rope and lands the shooting star press which is good enough to win the match and retain the championship. After the match, the champion tells us that we are all one and we should tune in, turn on, and take off.

Winner and STILL X Division Champion: Matt Sydal by pinfall

After the match, Moose is interviewed by McKenzie Mitchell and takes the opportunity to tell us he doesn’t give a damn about the X Division Championship, the Tag Team Championship, or being fired. Moose says he’s only here to get one case, the World Championship match. I sure hope Moose realizes he has no control over that and has a twenty-five percent chance of losing his job tonight. Back from the break and Eli Drake is being interviewed by McKenzie Mitchell. Eli Drake makes sure to mention the briefcases have locks on them. Thank you for that, I was wondering why no one had opened theirs yet. Eli Drake mentions he’s been fired from every job he’s ever had, and that if you strike him down he will become even stronger than you could ever imagine. Eli also mentions that he is Obi Wan Kenobi but everyone else is Obi Wan Jabroni, yeah! “Time to feast dummies, yeah!” – Eli Drake

Allie © versus Sienna for the Impact Knockouts Championship

The match starts with Sienna charging Allie as soon as the bell rings. Sienna puts the boots to Allie in the corner, goes to charge Allie in the same corner but Allie moves. Allie uses the opportunity to charge and land three forearm shots to her opponent. The two start exchanging forearms in the middle of the ring and Allie takes off, charging Sienna with a cross body, but Sienna catches her and throws her out of the ring. Sienna now has full control of the match and goes for a senton bomb, but Allie gets off the shoulders of her opponent and counters into a lung blower. Again strikes are exchanged, but Allie now has full control as she lands the codebreaker which is only good for a two count. Allie goes for a kick, Sienna goes for a clothesline but ultimately Sienna lands a discus lariat but that’s only good for a count of two. Sienna then goes for a powerbomb but Allie powers out and lands a strong uppercut which is good for the pin and the win, oddly enough.

Winner AND STILL Knockouts Champion: Allie by pinfall

After the match, Braxton Sutter comes to the ring and says he wants Allie to understand that he is trying to re-evaluate things and figure out what is important. Braxton says he realizes the most important thing is you, Laurel… he means Allie. Braxton tells Allie he loves her, and Braxton proceeds to propose marriage to the current Impact Knockouts Champion. Allie says no, but while this is going on Allie is attacked by The Undead Bride SU YUNG of all people, and Su Yung lands the Panic Switch which is an airplane spin into a spike DDT. Braxton goes on to tell Su off-mic that he is impressed by The Undead Bride.

Up next we see EC3 being interviewed by McKenzie Mitchell; EC3 tells McKenzie that the briefcase holds his destiny… all the while Tyrus shows up and says I hope gets fired, followed by Moose who reiterates what Tyrus says. EC3 goes on to proclaim he will become a three-time heavyweight champion, which takes a lot longer than it should because he is interrupted by Richard Justice, Fallah Bahh, Taiji Ishimori, Johnny Impact, and Lashley who all proclaim that they either think or hope that EC3 gets fired.

After our retro rewind segment, we are shown Eddie Edwards who is running through the hotel his wife Alisha is staying in, in a very well produced and highly dramatic segment. Eddie opens the door of his wife’s hotel room to find Alisha asleep and unharmed. oVe is nowhere to be found and Eddie reassures his wife then leaves the room. On his way out of the hotel, Eddie accidentally bumps into the hotel maid (why is she out this late anyway?!) who, in a very masculine, Sami Callihan-like voice declares “it’s alright.” And Austin Powers would be proud because that’s no lady, that’s a man!

Edwards & Callihan begin to brawl for a short while in the lobby, but Callihan is helped by his cameraman who is presumably one of the Crist brothers. Alisha then jumps in front of her husband and declares that she has already called the police which stops the brawl cold in its tracks. I can’t tell if this segment was either really good, bad or both.

Featured Contest: Kongo Kong with Jimmy Jacobs versus Abyss with James Mitchell in Monster’s Ball

Before the entrances, we are shown a video recap of this entire feud, and it’s further reiterated to us viewers that this is one of the better-built feuds from the company in a long time. The bell rings and the two monsters pace around the ring and size up their competition. Strikes are traded and Abyss is the first monster to be taken off their feet. Kong loses the advantage when he charges Abyss in the corner and Abyss ducks. Abyss then takes Kong out of the ring with a trash can shot to the head and we go to commercial.

Back from the break and Kong sets up a table in the ring as Abyss crawls into the ring. During the break, Kong puts Abyss through a table on the outside of the ring. Back “live” and Kong goes to the top but is dumped to the ring by Abyss. Abyss goes to the outside and grabs thumbtacks, and I’m sure that means that Abyss definitely will not be bumping into those later. Abyss begs Kong to get up, but Jimmy Jacobs jumps up on the apron and hits Abyss with a kendo stick which Abyss no sells. Abyss leaves the ring to chase Jimmy Jacobs, who slowly backs away from The Monster but eventually, Jimmy gets caught between The Monster and Janice (Abyss’ barbed wire 2×4 for the uninitiated) quite literally. Jimmy Jacobs turns around and rushes into the ring and Abyss gives chase, tries to chokeslam Jimmy, but Kong gets up and grabs Abyss by the throat and chokeslams The Monster into the pile of thumbtacks. What do you know, I was wrong! Either way, Abyss manages to kick out at two. Kong grabs the table from the corner and sets it up in the ring, climbs to the top rope, but Abyss gets up in time and powerbombs Kong through the table!

Abyss goes for the cover, but Kong kicks out at two! Abyss then grabs the barbed wire board, and James Mitchell even gives Janice to Abyss. By the time Abyss turns back around, Kong ducks the Janice shot, and chokeslams Abyss onto the barbed wire board. Kong then proceeds to land a fucking frog splash on Abyss which is good for the pin and the win.

Winner: Kongo Kong by pinfall

After the match, Kongo Kong & Jimmy Jacobs posture in the ring, much to the chagrin of Father James Mitchell. As the heels are leaving ringside, Kong grabs a sign from a fan, which reads “Kong is gonna kill you.”

Closer: Who got what case?

Back from the break and Eli Drake, EC3, Moose, and Petey Williams are in the ring along with Jeremy Borash to figure out who drew what briefcase. The first man to open his briefcase is Eli Drake because he drew case number one. Eli Drake has earned a tag team title match. Eli looks disgusted and says he doesn’t even have a partner anymore. Eli Drake throws his case out of the ring and leaves. The next to open their case is Petey Williams, with case number two. Petey Williams has earned an X Division title match. Petey responds very differently and celebrates his upcoming title match. Now both EC3 & Moose have realized one of them will be fired. These last two briefcases will be opened simultaneously.

Borash asks Moose for any final words, to which Moose just says to move on. Borash also asks the same to EC3 who says, and I quote; “SEE YA NEVER MOOSE! FIIIIIRED!” Borash gives the three count and Moose opens his briefcase to find out he has received the world title shot. But… but… but… what does this mean for EC3?! Are you telling me that EC3 got fired?! How could you do this Impact!? EC3 is frozen in shock and won’t even open his briefcase. EC3 eventually shakes his fear and says “that’s not my case. That’s Ishimori’s case.” I really love how EC3 is selling that he can’t believe he’s being fired. EC3 says there is not a man, woman, or child alive that will make him open that case. EC3 outright refuses to open his case. Borash opens his case to reveal that EC3 indeed is fired, all the while Borash is profusely apologizing. EC3 is asking, nay begging for this to be a joke. EC3 is lighting up Borash and the fans and putting himself over huge for his inevitable NXT run. “I’m a Carter, and this company needs me! I’M DIXIE CARTER’S NEPHEW!” EC3 then composes himself, accepts his fate, thanks, Jeremy but it was all a ruse! EC3 nails Borash repeatedly with his briefcase.

This continues for about a minute until BRIAN CAGE comes to the ring and stares EC3 in the face. Cage then charges EC3 and nails him with a drill claw which knocks EC3 out cold. What a huge moment for Brian Cage before he faces Lashley next week.

That’s it for my second ever edition of The Impact Report. If you want to receive updates on when columns are posted you can subscribe to this website. You can follow me on Twitter @SMC_CalB, and you can listen to The SMC Wrestling Podcast by subscribing to Social Suplex Podcast Network wherever you download your podcasts, even on Spotify now! Thank you all for reading and feel free to leave feedback in the comments section!

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