Latta : Imagining If The WWE Fielded An NFL Team In An Alternate Universe

by Nov 13, 20162 comments

It’s no secret that like the WWE, the NFL is experiencing a downtrend in ratings. Numerous factors can be pointed to as to why the games aren’t being watched as much on Sundays…and Mondays…and Thursdays, but for me it’s very simple; The teams aren’t playing exciting football at the moment, and there are few stars the average fan would actually want to watch. With a few retirements and stars in decline, I’d like to offer up a brand new team to add to the league in an alternate universe that us wrestling fans would surely appreciate. As far as everyone else? Who cares! The NFL wants people watching these games. Coupled with the news of ESPN putting together a 30 for 30 documentary on the “blink and you missed it” Vince McMahon owned XFL, football and wrestling have always been weirdly connected. Want proof? Listen to Jim Ross call a match from 1989 onward.

Presenting the WWE Professional Football Team Scouting Report

OFFENSE
Coach – Vince McMahon, who else would it be?
Backfield
Seth Rollins
QB #13 – Seth Rollins
RB #22 – Apollo Crews
That’s right, we’re going super athletic in the backfield. Led by Crossfit Jesus himself Seth Rollins, playmaking ability will be at a premium for the WWE as Rollins will gain offense not only by way of his arm, but by scrambling, and eventually hurdling defenders like Ezekiel Elliott. Think Steve Young meets Sunshine from Remember The Titans.Not to be outdone, this backfield will be a duel attack, with Apollo Crews running defenders over left and right before flashing his million dollar smile every chance he got to take off his helmet. His physique and athleticism make him a threat to be one of the top backs in the league!

Receiving CoreWR #88 – Kofi Kingston
WR #80 – Cesaro
WR #83 – Neville
TE #87- Sheamus

1369854758_9100_kofi-kingston

Leading our receiving core, Kofi Kingston will be our threat to take the top off the defense. Blessed with incredible speed and leaping ability, as well as the gift to assume a Jamaican accent on the drop of a dime to confuse defenders, He’s going deeper than Deshawn Jackson when he runs in straight lines for deep passes that never come from Kirk Cousins.

Flanking Kingston will be Cesaro and Neville, two physical freaks that can take any hit over the middle, with Cesaro being the ultimate red zone threat with his size. Neville will be used in the slot to overpower nickel corners if need be.

Our tight end comes from Ireland, therefore he learned the game late in life, but Sheamus would thrive on headhunting as a blocker, and abusing linebackers and safeties smaller than him deep in the middle of the field. Mentally fragile, the helmet would cover his hideous mohawk, and allow him to play, rather than focus on “You Look Stupid” chants.

Offensive Line


LT #76 – Braun Strowman
RT #71- Mark Henry
C #50- John Cena
RG #75- Rusev
LG #79- Kevin Owens
cena-fb

We’ve got the hosses and John Cena here. Cena was a former D3 All-American Center for Springfield College in Massachusetts (my hometown) and he’s got an Olympian, a Super Athlete, a strongman, and Kevin Owens with him to clear the way. We may struggle with Strowman’s foot speed, but his strength will let him throw the D line around with ease.
DEFENSE
Defensive LineDT #99 – Roman Reigns
DT #94 -Titus O’Neil
DE #90 – Jason Jordan

reigns-fb

With apologies to Baron Corbin who was on an NFL practice squad, we’re sticking with the more dynamic athletes here. While Titus is a bit older now, his old man strength should be coming in any day. Jordan will come off the edge looking to take every QB to Suplex City, and Reigns will find a place he can finally thrive without having the pressure of carrying the team.
Linebackers
LB #54 – Jack Swagger
MLB #52 – Big E
ROLB #58 – Jimmy Uso
LOLB #59 – Jey UsoThe key in this linebacking unit is versatility. Our team is about winning by any means, so we aren’t above switching the twins jersey numbers at half time to outwit a scouting report. Either of the four can become a down lineman for a given set, with E able to assume Defensive Tackle duties. Also in piles, Swagger would be of value in case he accidentally put The Patriot Lock on an opponent.

Secondary


CB #21 – Xavier Woods
CB #25 – Chad Gable
FS #45 – R-Truth
SS #33 – Sin Cara
While not the tallest cornerbacks in the league, Woods and Gable would bully soft receivers with their combination of explosiveness and strength with a low center of gravity. Woods will dance on every positive play for the defense, as he did his best Deion Sanders impersonation.For the safety spots we’re going with two tough dudes. The always in shape R-Truth, who at 45 years old is still capable of delivering bone crushing hits, and Sin Cara who has never met a scuffle he didn’t like. Expect these two to fly around the field causing havoc for anyone brave enough to try them.Kicker/Punter

K #1 – The Miz

Of course, our kicker is The Miz. He’s not really out here for contact, and everyone hates him.


This team went 0-15-1 in an alternate universe, The WWE Universe that is. The tie only coming in a 3-3 gridlock with the Cleveland Browns. But these guys sure entertained the fans despite bad coaching, and the coaches preference to call in retired players for every big game.
Got any other players you think should make Team WWE?

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